Commitment Phobia & Situationships
While I can't specifically pinpoint the start of the term "situationship," I must admit that I was never very fond of it. To me, a situationship always equated to complacency. And no one serious about their future is complacent. No one serious about marriage is willing to be in a situation. Lastly, no one committed to finding a life partner even uses the term "situationship." And I mean no one.
Take that little nugget and absorb it as you wish because I am pretty sure someone is cyber-arguing with me about how "real" their situationship is. But as I like to say, "Let's be clear," anyone identifying you as a situation is not worth arguing about and shouldn't be considered a potential life partner, as that's not their goal (definitely not an immediate goal).
I will, however, grant a small benefit of the doubt to those who have allowed themselves to be tricked by the hope of a fairytale. But please note that any man or woman who wants to pursue you intentionally will do just that. And the concept of a situation will NEVER be in mind. It won't be something they seek and won't be a frequently used term in their vocabulary.
Through this post, I hope to challenge and encourage you to change your perspective and remind you not to get so caught up in your desperation for a happily ever after that you fail to recognize the reality of your non-existent relationship. I just hate to see so many of you continue to ignore the truth, slapping you in the face because you choose to continue to hope for something you don't see. All while willfully ignoring all the warning signs...but I digress.
In my efforts to steer us back to the topic at hand, I pose the following :
What do situationships have to do with commitment phobia?
Well, that answer is quite simple. If you find yourself in a series of "situations" or "situationships" it's very likely that you or the person you are with is suffering from some severe commitment issues. Because let's face it, the only thing keeping you two from being in a committed relationship is fear.
Fear is the #1 (and I think it's safe to say only reason) many people will NOT commit.
Situationships are safe because you can bounce back from disappointment faster. You understand there were no expectations easier. And even after wasting your time building a pointless emotional connection, you justify the "break-up" or separation as "it was never anything serious anyway!"
But why go through all that when you can say "No" to a situationship altogether? Why not actively try to work on yourself first? Why not try to identify those commitment issues (fears) and address them so you can be in a committed and meaningful relationship in the future?
There is no reason to shortchange yourself. If you truly loved yourself, I wouldn't have to talk you into doing what is best for you.
However, please note the information below for those of you who need more of a reason than this.
Here are 5 reasons you may fear commitment...
I. History of Communication Issues
Many of us do not pay attention to developing our communication skills. We are essentially communicably ignorant. Or I guess a better word would be deficient. Not trying to offend. But either way, we lack the skills to communicate appropriately. And hold no value for proper communication.
Why else would we willingly commit to being noncommittal?
The pattern of witnessing repetitive miscommunication in our home, coupled with poor communication skills, is very discouraging. If you have never witnessed good communication, it's natural to fear the unknown or believe it is impossible. You can't be optimistic about something you can't see. And you can't be excited about commitment when you don't believe good communication is possible...see where I am going with this?
II. Attachment Issues
If you can't understand the importance of vulnerability and it frightens you, you can safely classify yourself as having attachment issues. Allowing yourself to open up and be vulnerable is necessary for a relationship, but if you are scared of doing that, you'll never be in a successful relationship. So why not come up with a "situationship" to try and deflect from your actual issues?
The problem is that attachment issues won't go away if they are not addressed. You'll end up lonely before you're married, so you may as well find a therapist and tackle this now to ensure that you'll encounter a successful relationship later.
III. Instability (Financial Insecurity)
Finances were undoubtedly going to make this list. But more so because of the ideals of success that we create. When we set unobtainable boundaries and goals (relative to our current circumstances), we develop a fear of instability surrounding our financial situation (e.g., financial insecurity).
Don't create an issue for yourself where there does not have to be one. Release those expectations and be ok with where you are. Set goals that are obtainable relative to your current financial situation.
IV. Relationship is Not a Priority
Individuals who commit willingly and actively prioritize being in a relationship. If you don't, you don't want to be in one. Thus, you can't or won't commit because you don't see the value in being in a relationship.
Makes sense, right?
V. Emotionally Unavailable
Someone will think this is the same as attachment issues, but I assure you it is not. Attachment issues are variable, as circumstances can drastically differ when considering why someone may fear attachment. Conversely, being emotionally unavailable is a choice to withdraw from any emotional connection. Attachment issues are essentially unidentified or unaddressed experiences. Thus, allowing yourself to be emotionally available and possessing emotional intelligence are somewhat different. Although one slightly encompasses the other.
Essentially, emotionally unavailable individuals are emotionally unintelligent. They willingly and actively fight to keep emotions and feelings internal. This looks like someone choosing not to share feelings by closing themselves off to any attachment.
However, emotional intelligence allows you to explore that deficit and identify its root. For clarity, because you all know how much I love my Google definitions, emotional intelligence is "the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically." Thus, you cannot only open up but also control your response, make decisions, and rationalize things with a balance of emotion and rationality. That, in turn, gives you confidence to be emotionally available and work on any attachment issues.
I sincerely hope you become empowered to invest more in your emotional stability and actively work to reduce and/or eliminate your fears surrounding commitment so that you, too, can encounter the joy and peace of LOVE.
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