Are you relationship-ready?

It's springtime, and love is in the air, thus, I felt it necessary to share some things to keep in mind as we embark on new love journeys. Especially because loving ourselves (and others), as well as contributing to healthy and successful relationships requires frequent objective assessments of ourselves to determine and ensure that we are capable of participating in those desired relationships healthily and constructively. Therefore, I created this post to support the assessment of individual relationship readiness.

First, let's look at relationship-readiness...

What does relationship-ready mean?

To ensure that we are always operating under the same understanding, I want to explain what I regard as "relationship-ready". When using this term, the hope is that you know what you are looking for in a partner, that you are emotionally stable, operating in self-love, able to articulate your needs and manage (navigate healthily) conflict.

Spoiler Alert: The next 5 questions will surround each of these items.

The goal is that you will be able to frequently assess whether or not you are truly ready to be in and maintain a healthy relationship. Similarly, you will come to understand that while on your journey of growth, you must constantly assess where you are (currently/at present), to ensure that your behavior, perception, and choices align with where you want to be (in the future).

So, here are 5 questions you need to ask yourself to determine if you are relationship-ready.

I. Are you emotionally intelligent and stable?

This is somewhat of a loaded question right, because without emotional intelligence you cannot acquire emotional stability. The greatest thing to know about emotional intelligence is that it encompasses primarily the ability to regulate your emotions in a way that ensures rationality in conflict and that you can communicate effectively while simultaneously being considerate of others.

Essentially, embodying emotional intelligence grants you the opportunity to ensure emotional stability. And trust me this feels good if you do it correctly. You will notice that you can manage how you respond when triggered, and the reserved energy you give being upset you can redirect to focusing on matters maintaining your peace.

II. Are you practicing self-love?

You knew it was coming, lol the recurring topic of self-love. So yes, while I get that it's a bit redundant, trust me it is so necessary! Therefore, as I know many of you have come to realize from reading my blog, self-love is a very critical component for ensuring an overall positive quality of life. So it's important to be mindful that you are practicing self-love daily. That self-love, believe it or not, attracts love to you. It's sexy, admirable, and intriguing to witness someone who can maintain his/her happiness through the love that they display toward themselves. Additionally, with self-love comes self-awareness, which is key to being able to articulate your needs to others.

Therefore, if you're unhappy from day to day, resting your happiness in others' contributions to and or compliments of you, OR seeking fulfillment by what others can or are willing to do for you, then you are NOT yet relationship-ready.

III. Are you able to articulate what you need in a relationship from your partner?

One thing many people fail to consider when entering relationships is their ability to verbally articulate what they need from their partner to be happy. Similarly, what often lacks consideration is the follow through of this, because just because you can communicate what you need, it doesn't always mean that your partner has received the information in the way you wish them to. Therefore, be sure to ask "What did you hear me say?" OR "What are some ways you think you can ensure that you meet this need?" This allows you and your partner to explore each other's needs, be certain the information was received, and create verbal agreements for desired anticipated changes.

IV. Can you healthily manage conflict?

As in any relationship, just because we set, articulate, and agree to make positive changes, when these requests are left unmet conflict arises. Therefore, a basic understanding of conflict resolution is very important.

So, as you understand that many relationships dissolve due to poor communication, lack of understanding, unclear boundaries, and unhealthy (toxic) behavior and conflict resolution patterns, you are merely doing yourself justice by working on developing healthy conflict resolution skills.

Now, as there are several methods and tactics to learn to enable the ability to resolve conflict healthily, I will list a few that I feel are essential:

1. Clarify the issue! - Be sure that it's clear exactly what the problem is. And chances are, if you can't articulate the issue clearly, it's a matter of ego and NOT a real problem...

2. Don't ignore the issue! - If you were able to clearly articulate what the problem is, DO NOT brush it off! It was identified as a problem for a reason, so be sure to address it!

3. Remain calm and rational! - The best way to resolve a conflict is to ensure that you can have a conversation, not an argument, so remain calm and stay objective, to maintain rationality.

4. Listen to understand NOT respond! - If you are listening to respond chances are you are failing at #3, so be sure to focus on understanding the issue, so that you can empathize, and not focus on solely winning the argument. Conflict is never resolved with the intent to win!

5. Identify & focus on the solution! - Be sure that the end goal is clear for everyone, otherwise, you'll be talking forever without resolve! Remember, in conflict resolution, it's best to be open to learning how to solve the problem, not contributing to it.

6. Remember, it's ok to agree to disagree! - Some people don't understand the value in agreeing to disagree. It's ok that you and your partner don't always see eye to eye, as long as you can AGREE to respect their opinion and move on!

V. Do you know what you're looking for in a partner and how to assess and ensure that those qualities are present?

While agreeing to disagree is a possibility, if you are doing it more often than not, are you are your partner the best match?

The only way to know for sure is to ensure that you are with someone whose values align with yours, who has goals you can identify with, and who is capable of treating you just as you seek to be treated (granted you are exhibiting the same qualities)!

So, in hindsight, just as you need to be able to articulate what you need from your partner (not to be confused with expecting your partner to "fulfill" for you), you certainly need to be able to identify those quantities in others. Don't waste your time being with someone who is not what you need. As the bulk of relationships FAIL due to expectation of change, it's important to understand that the more you expect your partner to change, the greater the expectation for you to change. That's not always said, but it's so important to drive this point home...Essentially, be everything you need, so you can easily identify someone who is not...

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