I have written about compatibility, attraction, and expectations many times. Still, it wasn't until recently that I realized that many of us have difficulty accepting the difference between our expectations and what we regard as compatibility in relationships. So, my efforts to increase understanding and awareness allow me to establish the difference between being compatible and having unnecessary and unrealistic expectations.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN STANDARDS AND EXPECTATIONS?

On a fundamental level, we often confuse standards with expectations. Since I have discussed this before I will be very short with the definitions here, standards are desired behaviors, but to set a standard, you must establish/communicate it.

Telling someone you just met that you are used to certain behaviors and don't wish to be treated anything short of what you are used to is establishing a standard.

Conversely, expectations are responses and/or behaviors that you desire but have not communicated (assumptions). This is why I wrote an entire blog post about life without expectations (CLICK HERE TO READ IT). Quite frankly, they are totally unnecessary.

And I understand that just because you feel very passionately about something, for all those who want to argue that expectations are not assumptions, it doesn't make it right/fact.

WHAT ARE UNNECESSARY OR UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS?

When you expect people to react a certain way, you are setting yourself up for a letdown because you don't have control over someone else's response.

Additionally, if you have not communicated your standards, you shouldn't hold someone to a standard they don't even know exists; that makes no sense...

If you want to identify unnecessary and unrealistic expectations, know this: expectations are presumptions or assumptions of behavior and anticipated events.

If you assume someone will act a certain way, it's unrealistic. Again, I remind you that you can't control how someone responds! And if, in turn, you get mad at someone for not responding, saying, or doing something that you expected, that is just foolish and unnecessary behavior!

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH COMPATIBILITY?

When you are in relationships, especially those you may have been in for a while, you tend to believe that the people you love will conform to your expectations and be everything you want them to be. What's worse is that we often feel like this without even communicating the very things we expect and/or want.

The WORST thing you can do in a relationship is to expect your partner to be what you want them to be. Or even assume that they will "grow" to be everything you want them to be.

But because of this, a lot of relationships are doomed before they even start.

So, instead of starting a new relationship and working toward acceptance, many start new relationships expecting change. This is why that whole "shape" and "mold" mentality must cease.

Despite what we may think, compatibility is NOT only about having things in common. Compatibility, by definition, thanks to Google, is the ability to coexist without conflict. The element of coexistence, concerning compatibility, is often ignored, but it's the most important thing.

Now think about this for a second because, for many, all things you thought you knew to be true about compatibility are now inaccurate...

ARE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER NO LONGER COMPATIBLE?

The ability to coexist without conflict is NOT possible without acceptance.

Read that as many times as you need to.

And also, consider the fact that just because you love someone doesn't mean you accept them. And those you don't take, you can NOT coexist with.

It's that simple. So, if you notice that you and your partner are arguing and/or disagreeing a lot, it means that you may no longer be compatible.

Why?

Well, that's because one of you refuses to accept the other. It is essential to know that many relationship conflicts, whether we agree or not, start with a lack of understanding and acceptance of one's partner and his/her behavior.

Ultimately, you choose to say "I accept you" or not. So ask yourself, is your partner worth accepting?

If not, move on. Waste no time trying to make something work that will ultimately fall apart...

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