In a recent conversation, I said something differently than I've said several times in the past, I said:

Now, marinate on that for a second. On the surface, it seems very easy to understand, but I've noticed that the first thing people say when they are in a relationship and having difficulty is, "I'm trying."

How many times have you said, "I'm trying" in the past?

Whether we are trying to work on a compromise, fix something/work out an issue, or make it better, we often associate trying with effort in relationships that essentially require very little effort!

When you have learned how you love (and can articulate that to others), when you can recognize the role of acceptance in relationships (acceptance of yourself and others) and the importance of attraction, everything is effortless.

You will find that you get lost in bliss by just doing what you want and not trying to do things to improve it...

Do you see where I am going with this?

If not, let's break the quote down...

PART I: CHOICES & ACTIONS

So, what do I mean by "Choices and actions are a reflection of what we want..."?

Well, that's simple, right? (I won't insult you.) Let's consider cheating to give it more depth.

Our behavior reflects what we want. When someone cheats, they usually return to their partner and apologize. They say, "Baby, I'm sorry," or "I didn't mean it," or "It won't happen again," right?

But those apologies are empty because none of them speak to the individual's motive and/or choice behind the behavior. First, when your partner shows you different behaviors, stop rationalizing. Second, allow yourself to consider that he/she basically did something that they wanted to do!

Why?

Well, first, because the cheater has not identified that apologies are a reflection of how much someone is loved and/or liked, but not a reflection of someone's worth or value. And two, because while the cheater may love you, he/she didn't value you or your relationship enough to behave differently.

So again, apologies reflect how much someone is loved and/or liked, but they do not reflect someone's worth or value.

Get it now?

I hope so, but also consider this: People love individuals they do not value every day.

Think about a friend you may like and/or love, but once you lost that relationship, it didn't mean much to you. The lesson is in what that relationship meant. When it doesn't mean anything, it's because it was NOT valued or worth anything to you.

The same happens in relationships. We like to think we are worth more to someone because of how much we value them. We assume that the individual must value us the same as we do them, and that is not always true.

The problem is we get caught up in trying to make them value us as we value them when we shouldn't have to try to make that happen. When relationships are scarily easy, that usually means the relationship is genuine, and it is intended to be. You need to see that person as your partner. That's the person fate chose for you. It's not the person you must fight with for understanding or acceptance. And it's certainly not the person you must fight with for love, affection, and attention.

But again, many of us associate the effort or "the fight" for that love with how much that person values us. And that has nothing to do with it. You can be loved and not be valuable.

I guarantee that if you stopped trying, you'd see just how effortless love is, and how unfit your partner may be, which takes me to part II.

PART II: STOP TRYING

Some of us have experienced the true effortlessness of love and can easily understand what this means.

But others do not yet accept that their marriage was destined for divorce, that the 10-year relationship will never be a "marriage," or that the situation-ship will never be more than a situation.

Because when in relationships with mature adults, you don't have to explain what you are worth, you don't have to say, "I deserve better/more," and you don't ever have to remind them that you make them better. Mature people know those things. And people who value you certainly don't need to be told because they show you!

Now, when I say "mature," that speaks to a lot of things. But in short, it primary speaks to an individual's level of growth. Unfortunately, a lot of us are "trying" in relationships with immature people. And you will keep trying because those are individuals who are still learning how to love, how they want to be loved, how to accept and be accepted, and the difference between love and value.

But once you "stop trying," you will be able to recognize and see the level of immaturity. And maybe then you can accept that those individuals need to be allowed time to grow, or they will break your spirit to love solely because they are too immature.

So, instead of believing we can grow people and help them change, we must recognize when they need to be left alone!

Because when you love and value someone, you don't try, you do...and everything you do is what you want to do (makes you happy) and is ultimately with consideration to your partner. You don't cheat because you don't want to; you're happy. You don't lie because you don't want to. You don't manipulate because you don't want to. Everything becomes easy because that's the effortlessness of loving and being valued!

Remember value and love are not the same. Being loved doesn't always mean being valued.

I encourage you to practice what you have learned. Essentially, stop trying and come back and tell me how that felt for you, what you recognized, and how you began to see how little or how much the other person values you.

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