As much as I speak on acceptance in my posts, I only recently realized that I should share some tools I learned that enabled me to understand the role of acceptance and how to accept actively.

Now, if someone asked, "Do you accept yourself?" Most of us would answer yes immediately without hesitation and/or question. The same would be true if someone asked you if you loved yourself; the automatic response would be "Yes." However, while I understand acceptance is something we all think we are capable of doing without work, I learned the hard way that acceptance is not achievable without 100% effort.

True acceptance, whether you are trying to accept yourself or others, can not be achieved without active effort. The key to that is "active" because the effort never ends. We have to constantly and consciously make an effort to be accepting. We have to remember that being accepted requires a level of humility that we should, in turn, bestow on others.

But many of us fail to understand that because we can't identify the similarities between the act of being accepted and the act of accepting ourselves.

So, for most, we cannot accept others because we do not yet accept ourselves.

But which one should come first? Should we learn to accept ourselves to accept others? Or should we experience being accepted before we can take ourselves?

But I learned from being accepted to accept myself and not feel bad about it. So, for me, being accepted came first.

Imagine trying to take the only person you know, trying to become comfortable with that person while being encouraged to change into something that everyone else wants you to be, or someone who makes others comfortable.

That doesn't seem fair, right?

But we all battle with this. We all encounter someone or individuals (typically family) we value so much that we wouldn't even question changing who we are to make them feel better or make their lives easier.

I was always wrong, someone who felt she was never understood, and very direct/blunt and honest. As a child, I was often advised to speak less because being honest was perceived as not being "thoughtful." So, I was taught early on that honesty wasn't always the best policy when people's feelings were at stake.

It sounds funny now, but that forced me to become quiet, to retreat into myself.

So that I didn't go insane, I chose to find solace in writing. I knew that I wouldn't judge myself, so I became the only person I saw fit to communicate with.

HERE ARE 3 THINGS I LEARNED IN SOLITUDE!

I. WHAT BEING ACCEPTED SHOULD LOOK LIKE!

At about 25 or 26 years old, I remember conversing with a friend and being told some things/qualities about myself that I admired. But it wasn't until that moment that I realized someone, somewhere, was capable of appreciating the person that I was/am. I was elated that I was being complimented for the very things (possessed qualities) I was told I shouldn't do (or that I was encouraged to change).

That is the power of acceptance, knowing that you are loved, admired, and praised for being you without changing one thing. It's what we yearn for from our parents and partners. It's what we need to give ourselves. But sometimes, we have to be accepted by someone else to realize it's OK to accept ourselves.

II. THE HARD TRUTHS!

To accept ourselves, however, there are certain truths we must face...

I. You aren't perfect!

II. You aren't always considerate.

III. You aren't always RIGHT!

I wish I had a penny for every person who could identify the deficits of others but fails to acknowledge their deficits. I'd probably be rich!

It's so convenient how we can quickly attack someone when we want them to understand how they have wronged us, but when they challenge us with the same, it's perceived as an act of "blasphemy" that we would ever be capable of such a thing. We get defensive. We assume "they just don't understand us"! We refuse to continue to listen. And the conversation concludes...

Sometimes, you have to say, "I'm not perfect." or "I'm not always right." aloud to realize you still have growing to do.

III. ACTIVE EFFORT IS REQUIRED TO BE ACCEPTABLE!

You have to be committed to continual growth to truly accept that you are not perfect!

People understand that you are not perfect and that you are not considerate, nor are you always right. But, the people who love you eventually learn to accept all those imperfect things about you. And often, they accept it before you accept it about yourself.

So, how do you continue to make an "active" effort to be accepted and accepted by others?

Again, we have to remember that being accepted requires a level of humility that we should, in turn, bestow on others. So, I like to think about it like this: If you follow the "golden rule," you are making an active effort.

The most important thing to remember is that you always want to be accepted, so encourage yourself to be mindful that you are responsible for bestowing that same courtesy to others.

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