Being single is either a choice or an inevitable situation. Granted, we all want to believe that we are single by choice; unfortunately, that is not always the case.

So, why are you single?

Several years ago, I asked myself this question and was forced to evaluate previous relationships: OBJECTIVELY! Post-evaluation, I determined that being single was less of a choice; it was inevitable for me. I realized then that I would ultimately remain SINGLE until I addressed my deficiencies and gained realistic expectations.

So, here are 7 questions I asked myself to help determine why I was inevitably SINGLE!

1) Are you fixed on your EX?

Do you have the occupied sign on your forehead?

Sometimes, we don't realize we are warning off potential mates/partners because we are still stuck on an Ex or have yet to deal with unresolved issues from previous relationships.

Closure is a necessity for a reason. It would help if you gained closure on past relationships and clarity on why you all didn't work out to better yourself for your next partner. You cannot go into a "new" relationship with "old" baggage!

2) Are you stuck on "the List"?

If you've got a list of 25 or more items your partner or potential partner must have, this one is for you.

You're more than likely single because your mate doesn't exist. We like to think that we have "standards" but the common misconception is that standards are often confused with expectations. We cannot always assume that people will act as we want them to, that’s unrealistic, therefore so is "the List"!

Having standards is different from having unrealistic expectations. Standards are qualities with moral consideration that you require from another individual. In opposition to expectations, which are assumptions or a pre-determined set of behavioral responses or beliefs, you anticipate another individual will comply.

When you understand the difference between the two, you understand your role in your inability to establish and maintain a relationship.

3) Are you playing games?

Are you someone who enjoys playing games when you are single, but when you are trying to be in a relationship, old habits follow?

If so, you need to understand that you must check your games at the door to be open to a new relationship. Relationships are for people who want to get to know someone seriously and are open to exploring the possibility of a long-term partnership that may ultimately end in marriage. Mind games and playing hard to get will send the wrong message.

Your potential mate/partner is learning who you are by what you show them. If you play games and show them behavior that is not entirely you, when you try to show them the "real you," they will either dislike you or "not recognize" you and walk away.

So, if you want to be open to “new” relationships truly, you better try hard to stop playing "single" games, or you will remain single.

4) Are you in a "Situation-ship"?

One of the joys of being single is being free to date as often as you like. However, if you believe that "situation-ships" are "relationships," you will be single forever.

To be open to a new relationship we must let go of "situation-ships". One common misconception is that "situations" turn into relationships after years, but if you didn't set the boundaries or standards of the "situation" before it began, chances are, you will be in that "situation" until you walk away. You don't want to miss out on your potential forever partner because you’re in a "situation," do you?

5) Are you waiting on a "Fairytale"?

While it's great if you believe that your potential husband or wife will sweep you off your feet, you are closing yourself off from the reality of dating if you think every encounter will be graceful, effortless, and romantic.

Just because you want love to come to you as it does in fairytales or movies doesn't mean it will happen that way in real life.

For example, have you ever talked with couples dating and married for tens of years? If you ever ask them how their relationship started, most often, the story of their love begins with "I didn't want to talk to him/her" or "I didn’t believe he/she was the one"? And that's usually because the encounter probably wasn't ideal.

So, don't set yourself up to fail with the unrealistic "fairytale" expectation. Be open to finding love in usual and unexpected circumstances.

6) Are you scared to date?

It doesn't matter how or when you meet someone; you will eventually need to "date" them if you want to be in a relationship.

So, if you refuse to date and don't want to date, ask yourself if your fear of dating keeps you from being in a relationship.

Ask yourself, what are you insecure about?

If you can be honest with yourself, maybe you're uncomfortable with answering questions about yourself, or you're not comfortable enough with yourself to be around someone else. OR you could even fear saying the wrong thing. Dating is all about being comfortable in the skin you are in! If you’re single and scared to date, you should probably stay single and learn to date yourself first. Last time I checked, relationships don't last when partners don't date.

7) Are you sure you know what you need?

Are you one of those people who cannot articulate what they are looking for in a mate or know how to identify and communicate your needs in a relationship?

If so, this is why you're single because you don't know what you're looking for and need in a partner. And just because you may be capable of making a "list" doesn't mean you can identify those qualities in a mate.

So what do you do?

Being able to identify needs in a relationship is very important for understanding why previous relationships may or may not have worked. You have to be able to identify patterns in your behavior to identify what you need. Also, you should be able to understand your personality and what traits and/or characteristics are compatible with it. This will help you identify whether the individual can meet your needs. When dating, be open to conversation so you don't have to assume a potential partner has what you want. Talking is key. Don't allow yourself to be blinded by physical traits. Get to know your partner beyond physical attraction to ensure the relationship has long-term potential.

Final Thoughts

I will leave you with two questions:

1) Can you honestly now answer whether you are single by choice?

2) If you are single due to inevitable circumstances?

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