We all have challenges in life, but the death or loss of a loved one, a child, a friend, or a family member is always the most difficult to process. This is mainly because there is no manual on how to deal with loss and because coping with and/or processing loss looks different to everyone.

On August 1, 2015, I lost my first child, my son, King. And I would be lying if I said that it wasn't the most challenging thing I have ever experienced in my entire life. What's worse is that I am typically unemotional, so to be flooded with so much emotion at one time was very challenging for me to handle and process.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm incapable of showing emotions at all, but it takes a lot for me to display emotions, whether anger or love and everything in between. I can count on a few fingers the amount of times I cry in a year. Anything that has made me emotional has been highly traumatizing for me. And that's more so because I am stingy with my energy, so stingy that I am picky about moments I choose to be emotionally impacted by something.

But, with the loss of my son, I had no choice. I was consumed with emotions, anger, frustration, mental distress, physical pain, sadness, loneliness, etc.. Because I was not accustomed to processing things by emotional release, I had to figure out a way to live with this loss.

Ultimately teaching myself to process these emotions.

I remember being in the hospital and coming to after surgery and immediately realizing everything that had occurred.

I remember thinking, I'm here in this hospital, on a postpartum wing, after giving birth (naturally), without my son.

Then I remember getting pissed off when they brought me a box (memorial) of my son's footprints and a few other things... I remember thinking this would NOT be enough for me to remember him.

I was forced to sit in that hospital for a few days and think about what life would now be like without my son after preparing myself for five months for a world with him in it...

But seeing me now, you probably couldn't understand how I was able to find the ability to live after such a loss. A loss that impacted not only my physical but also my mind. But I found a way to process the loss in stages...

Here are three stages necessary to navigate life after loss!

STAGE ONE: ANSWERING THE QUESTIONS

Whenever you experience a tragedy, you have several questions. You wonder why it happened to you and why death came to the loved one you lost. You ask yourself, what is the lesson in all of this? But the more questions you ask without answers, the more you punish yourself. Because asking yourself questions you can't answer will undoubtedly drive you insane or into a state of depression...

And that is where I found myself, severely depressed.

Reflecting now, I think it's crazy how we believe we can handle things we've never experienced.

Because when you experience something significant enough to kick you so hard that you have no choice but to fall, you find yourself in the hole you can't get out of...

How do you answer the questions?

As a spiritual being raised in Christian values, I believe that God would never put more on me than I can bear. Understanding that everything happens for a reason was the only thing that helped me be ok with leaving some questions unanswered. There's no right or wrong answer, especially considering everyone does not live by the same principles. But to make it to stage two, you must understand that you may not get the answers to your questions. So, you have to figure out how to answer them without getting answers.

My faith, my will to live and love again, reassured me in my darkest hour that everything happens for a reason. While that reason may not always be known, I believed its purpose was to make me better and that my God would not put more on me.

The greatest lesson of stage one is that you MUST ACCEPT that you won't know the answer to all the questions you are asking yourself. You have to accept that some things are just because God ordered your steps and said so. And you have to be of strong faith to admit that's probably the only explanation you will ever receive.

STAGE TWO: TRYING TO ACCEPT THE REALITY OF THE LOSS

Stage two was the most difficult for me. Motherhood began for me the moment I discovered and accepted that I was pregnant. I learned firsthand that mothers can not be selfish, and the moment you put your child's needs before your own, you understand the expectations of motherhood and what it's like to be a parent. If you haven't lost a child, there is no way you can understand what that feels like or know how to live without a piece of you. So how do you accept it?

I told myself I had to find a way to make the experience a teachable moment.

I knew that there was a reason King was now my angel. I believed that I was a better woman because of the pain I went through. I realized the importance of life (through new eyes). I had to come to understand the role I needed to play when life was not at its best. I grew to accept that in life, no matter how misunderstood at times, every lesson is equally as valuable.

And I grew to accept that King was not to be forgotten, but to live on forever in my heart as the best part of me...

I can't tell you what that looks like. Because for me, it was many days of shedding happy and sad tears. But regardless to the countless days of tear stained cheeks I endured, it was one more day I grew to accept that he existed, he lived and learned to cherish the moments (even though they were few), because no one could ever take those away. They happened and will forever be embedded in my heart and memory. So, it became a matter of learning to smile at those memories and find joy in them instead of shedding tears...

STAGE THREE: LIVING WITH WHAT IS...

It's hard to go on with life as it was, especially after you have experienced a loss. I learned that you shouldn't try to return to life as it was because it will never be the same...

I had to come to terms with the fact that loss is just as significant as love; it changes us in ways we can't foresee. So, for me to learn to live with what is, I had to accept that living in the absence of King would be different.

The most important part of stage three is recognizing that you can't go back to the way things were. No matter how hard you try, you can't unsee life with your new eyes. You have to be willing to walk through life knowing you are different, knowing you have changed, and being okay with the people you used to be with, not knowing how to deal with that change or interact with the person you have become.

Again, there is no right or wrong way to deal with loss because it looks different for everyone.

I can give you stages, but I can't tell you how you will be changed or what "new" will look like. All I know is that loving and losing shape us the most and turn us into people we may not have otherwise encountered.

So, don't stifle the questions. Don't run from reality. Try your best to be the person who lives through the pain, and keep loving as best you can. Pretty soon, love will heal everything that was broken and/or bruised.

Only love can restore the wounds and give you hope to live again after loss...