Many of us consider being single a means to an end, right? It's a period we must go through but don't necessarily embrace. Being single is more or less regarded as a placeholder or a period we endure until we find the right one. While that may be true, that is not always the case and is a negative view of such a critical time in our lives. Sometimes, being single is good, and sometimes, it's terrible. But regardless of how we look at being single, there is a lesson in that period of our lives. And it is in our best interest to embrace each lesson.

Here are 5 lessons I learned about being single.

I. I found solace in solitude!

I stopped liking myself and started loving myself. I stopped running from spending time alone and made an effort to learn and accept myself more. How? Well, I first had to learn to love myself. In order for me to do that, I had to accept that I didn’t currently love myself because I didn't know my worth. Most of us don't want to admit that, which is why we often get caught in a cycle of unhappiness or loneliness.

I realized, however, that I didn’t love myself because I was still searching for answers regarding who I was, my purpose, and what made me happy. Based on that alone, I had to accept that I didn't know myself and certainly didn't see myself (or my capabilities).

So, I began to spend a lot of time alone. I wrote in journals, listened to music, danced in mirrors, and thought silently. I got to know what I wanted, what I loved, enjoyed, valued, and sought in this life. In those times of solace, I encountered my purpose, and I shaped my walk to align with that purpose—so much so that I hadn't even realized that my focus was entirely off of relationships and solely on me.

I began to see myself, and I saw beauty. I no longer referred to myself as cute, and any regard I had for outside opinions diminished. I learned to focus only on what I saw and never consider what anyone else said or didn't regard as beautiful. In turn, I embraced the beauty of others. I walked in the essence of me. I had confidence beyond my wildest dreams. And I now knew what I deserved and how to recognize what was for me.

I found solace in solitude because I focused on developing a relationship with ME.

II. I realized that I was my primary focus!

Once I found comfort in being alone and became determined to establish a relationship with myself, I focused more on building that relationship. It wasn’t enough to love me; I wanted to build on that relationship. I didn’t believe anyone should know me better than I knew myself, so I dated myself. From that, I learned the strength of oneness.

I never understood the comfort of being alone in public until I felt comfortable with myself. And now I find power in being alone at a bar, dinner, or movie.

I became happier and more comfortable with myself. I had no one to answer to and no one’s feelings to put ahead of my own. There was a certain peace in that. I also recognized the importance of giving myself a place in my life. We often allow the people in our lives (children, husbands, parents, etc.) to take precedence over ourselves. So, I learned to separate myself from my family. I understood that pleasing and focusing on myself was not selfish but necessary. If you don't put forth the energy and effort, you will ultimately lose yourself.

III. I said "hello" to intuition!

Once I became comfortable with being myself and made myself my primary focus (solace in solitude), I discovered how naturally my intuition became more recognizable. It went from being an uncertain thought or feeling to being distinct and clear. I was able to make decisions with little discussion or debate. My intuition became my primary resource for consultation. Because I became more in tune with myself, my intuition naturally became my safe haven, my comfort in the storm, my right hand, and my sound mind. When everyone else is unsure, I am always confident. I welcomed that clarity.

IV. I dropped the "placeholder" mentality!

When you love yourself and are self-aware, settle is a term that will not be in your vocabulary. Not only do you understand what you want and need when you’re in a relationship, but you also understand what you won't accept.

When you settle, you accept anything while searching for something greater. When you settle, you're always shopping for a partner to be your mate. So, you're always ready to accept anything and in that "ready to check out mode."

For example, it's like when you discover that the item you went to the store for is "out of stock," but instead of waiting until it comes in, you buy what you see to fill in for the time you await your desired item to arrive. In that instance, you settle for the "placeholder" item instead of waiting for what you really wanted to come in.

In my singleness, I learned the importance and value of patience. I realized that I needed to release the expectation of mediocrity. But to do that, I had to accept that I had no time for complacency and no energy for mere comfort. So, I reaffirmed the need to wait for what I deserved. I changed my mindset so I would not be so eager. I encouraged myself to wait for what was for me and what I truly desired. In turn, I dropped the "placeholder" mentality.

V. I learned that being secure & confident is sexy!

I previously believed that I was only desirable or sought after under certain conditions—conditions that culture regards men as confident and sexy. I thought maybe if I wore all the right brands, heels, and clothes (that showed off or accented my figure), I would get attention and time. But I quickly learned the hard way that that is not the case. I realized that I began getting more attention when I walked authentically.

Being comfortable in your skin makes you appealing and sexy. I learned to embrace this theory more when my weight fluctuated, but the attention I gained remained steady. I realized that it didn't matter what my physical appearance held but that my energy, intention, and authenticity spoke louder than anything. So, I embraced myself and became more confident. Because of that certainty, my confidence spoke before me. And no, I was not cocky or arrogant; I genuinely loved myself and did not seek any recognition for it. In turn, those who appreciated that confidence sought me. Initially, I was surprised because I never knew what people found interesting. But I appreciated that they would genuinely engage with me and find me alluring, captivating, and fascinating.

After learning these lessons, I no longer feared being single. I understood and embraced being single. I took every period of singleness to become one with myself, and that it's a necessary part of growth and development. As you are ever-evolving, given the dynamics of our experience, we do ourselves well to check in and get to know how far we've grown. Therefore, I appreciate opportunities to get to know and love myself more.

I hope this helps you on your journey!

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