The discussion regarding single, independent women is ongoing. There are so many opinnions and perceptions on why successful women remain single. But as a successful, independent, (mostly single) women, I wnat to share my truth. So, if you are also a successful single woman who find you are often challenged with maintaining a relationship, let me know if this resonates with you.

Before I jump in, I want to recognize that women who understand being single, independent and successful usually share one of two challenges to maintaining a relationship, 1) they are single because men are intimated by their success OR 2) they are single because they make more than the other person and they can't take it.

But no matter how you spin it, it all equates to the same thing... You're single due to your success. And while these ideals may be true some of the time, an unpopular opinion is that the reality is that you may be more responsible for your relationship status (being single) than you are willing to admit!

As a successful woman I do not feel like my success is the reason why I am single.

WHY IS THAT YOU ASK…

Well the fact of the matter is that those of us women who are single, are typically single for reasons that have NOTHING to do with men being insecure about our success. So if they're not insecure about our success, then what is it?

Now, brace yourself, because this may be a tough pill to swallow. As I'm pretty sure we, independent and successful women, are SINGLE for one of two reasons,

1) We make the choice not to be in a relationship (not give 100%) because we are more comfortable in our singleness. And adjusting to the dynamics of another person is hard.

2) We make the choice not to compromise our success and independence to be in a relationship.

Granted there's continued research to try and determine why it is that successful women find it hard to establish and maintain successful relationships, what is a common default is that men feel inferior, intimidated and/or insecure about our success. When in actuality that is NOT always true. Some women make the choice to focus on success and not a relationship. Or some women attempt to be in a relationship in the absence of compromise, because they are merely comfortable in their singleness!

And even though we don't like to admit it, women in power have just as much pride, as most men. So most of us tend to have a hard time relinquishing that control in situations outside of work/office, e.g. our relationships. That which causes a strain, and leads to relationship failure.

Why?

Well, considering how hard women have to work for recognition, it's understandable that we desire constant validation. Validation that comes from work, by way of reinforcing our success or independence. But that same validation is typically sought and expected from romantic relationships as well.

So, we tend to blur the lines. Unfortunately failing to separate work from home. We want our man to treat us like our employees or our job. And because of the need for validation we tend to set expectations, based on current experiences, and call them standards.

Standards vs Expectations

Standards and expectations are often confused, yet they are very different. Standards are ideas of behavior with moral consideration that is regarded as fair. And expectations are anticipated assumptions of behavior or response. Anticipated assumption being the key. Because when we expect something to happen, we have it set in our minds the way it should go. And once it does not go as "expected", we are immediately turned off or pissed off.

Just in case you need an example of each, here goes...

STANDARD: Respect, Honesty & Chivalry are examples of standards women should set.

EXPECTATION: Make great money, "treat you like a queen", or you expect them to maintain composure even when you say outlandish things are examples of expectations that women have.

Now knowing this, take a moment to consider the last time you interacted with or dated someone. Were you treated in the way that you expected? Did they meet your standards?

Granted I know it's easy to automatically refer to the last person who was disrespectful, inconsiderate, and egotistical, etc., but I challenge you to think of the last good/decent human you've dated. It may be hard because those indivduals are typically rejected by successful women, because they are found less than attractive because they have self-confrol, are vulnerable and not overly confident. They are not sought after by everyone, so you typically don't find value in them until you have have lost them. But, they are usually the one who treated you with respect, was way too nice, or was decent looking but you felt had nothing more to offer you.

If your honest with yourself, you'd probably say you feel like you didn't do anything wrong. Or that they just was not the right person for you or not your type.

But ladies, we must remember that individauls are only capable of loving us in the way they know how. That requires us to be able to articulate the needs. We have to be able to explain how someone should love us, communicate with us, connect with us, etc. And when you're dating someone, and they don't know what you expect or what your standards are, it's important that you do not hold them accountable for something you DID NOT communicate!

It is also important to note that disregarding any efforts made or viewing intention to please/satisfy as somethign other than genuine interest is not healthy.

Even Destiny's Child knew that as an independent woman, in a relationship things should always be 50/50. I think most of us independent and successful women tend to forget because we don't "need" a partner, we want one. And in order to get and keep that partner, we must remember relationships are all about compromise. So, in order for a relationship to be successful, it needs to be comprised of two individuals willing to balance masculine (dominate/leading) and feminine (submissive) energies.

As women we often associate being submissive with being weak. But being submissive does not mean weak. By definition, submissiveness encompasses a number of tasks, including picking and choosing battles. As well as showing up in the power of vulnerability. Yet, most women tend to get offended by the term “submissive” when it is not meant to offend, but to also be considerate of the fact that there is a need for compromise.

So ladies, if we want to be successful, independent and in a relationship, remember not to confuse expectations and standards.

Also don't forget that we get to choose! We make the choice to either focus on our success, or attempt to be in a relationship. Should we choose a relationship, we should consider relinquishing the expectation to dominate and be validated. There cannot be two dominate individuals in a healthy and happy relationship. Healthy relationships are comprised of two individuals willing to balance masculine (dominate/leading) and feminine (submissive) energies. So choose to lead or submit, but whatever your choice adjust your expectation accordingly.

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